Healing, Embarrassment, and Alignment

Don’t really know where to start with this but I feel really called to write this for my own benefit. My nervous system is pretty wired just now, challenging myself with new things, triggering things and pushing through fear to do the things I enjoy and want to do. 

The frustration and sadness comes and goes. Should I take anti anxiety medication, am I disabled. This PPPD stuff may be is what my life will be like forever and I am determined if that is the case that I live fully. The doctors for the past 2 years have been suggesting anti anxiety medication and the main medical tool for PPPD rehab is anti anxiety meds, coupled with vestibular physio. I’m still not sure I’ve fought that for 3 decades do I really want to do that now? I am actually happy with my life its just when I cant do things I used to or people ask me to do things and I have to try explain my limitations. It’s uncomfortable and quite humiliating. 

Mindfulness and all my spiritual practices and coaching tools hold me through these times. This has been ongoing for over 2 years now. I truly thought in the beginning it would pass and I would be back to normal, maybe in months. 

But now the symptoms and sensations haven't left fully. Because it has been two years there is anxiety around things which may have triggered symptoms in the past. Am I getting better YES, am I better NO. 

It's embarrassing and does limit my life at times. I have to run through scenarios, possible triggers and management before I go anywhere. Which route will I take, who can I ask for help, where can I stop if I need to. 

Travel is one of my biggest triggers, movement and balance and memories of past occurrences. Busy places, lifts, escalators and any where with lots of motion. 

My horse riding I have now adapted so that I have a handle should I feel imbalance so I dont pull on my horses mouth, I have 2 different hats depending on what I am doing so that I can restrict some of the sensory input and also a headband that covers my ears on the days when my balance isn't great as it stops the wind and pressure affecting them. Somedays I am symptom free riding. Others like yesterday and the day before I felt a bit imbalance and then that triggers a little nervousness. 

I did a meditation the other day around anxiety and fear in prep for going away on my own with Lili (my daughter) for the night. It asked something along the lines of where the fear was coming from: was it fear of failure, fear of others opinions and 100% I could feel the fear and anxiety was related to how others will view me. 

I have family coming to stay in September and I truly can't wait. But again I am embarrassed that I am unable to drive and collect them and drive them about. It make me so sad.

I have committed to 2025 getting some driving lessons by 2025 to see if that may help. Although unsure as some days I am better than others, it depends on the PPPD symptoms. 

I know I am making progress but its painful at times, often feel like I am regressing but in reality I know I am not. 

Another aspect of PPPD and perimenopause is fatigue and brain fog. I have a limit then its like it's all used up. I work 15 hours a week now and take time off to rest and heal and reset. My healing is showing me again this is improving and my bounce back post flare ups is so much quicker.

From someone who was so independent prior to this, it's a bitter pill to swallow. 

I do live in hope that one day it will pass and I will be better however I have also stopped forcing the issue. 

Instead now I live in full acceptance each day and am mindful of how I make the best form each day. 

Today I am celebrating driving to a hotel with lili, staying away on our own, going shopping, swimming, jacuzzi, dinner in hotel, brekkie etc. And I am so beyond grateful for that experience and independence and having fun with my daughter. It was such a joy and exactly how I want to be. 

Was it challenging yes, did I have symptoms of dizziness, imbalance, panic, anxiety yes I did. But they weren't as bad and I know how to support myself more in these situations. 

I felt such shame around anxiety and these feelings given that I was called an anxiety expert and had written a best selling book on the subject. Yet I was experiencing panic attacks daily 2 years ago. (to be fair these  were all related to driving and me pushing on). But still it felt pretty shitty to be coaching people with anxiety whilst I was experiencing my own. I know the tools I share work but it left me questioning myself and my career and ability. 

This week I am guided now to go inwards. I have already asked my husband to drive my daughter and I to the city for an appointment so I can give my nervous system a rest and reset. 

Last week I did a lot of new things from seadips, to carnivals, mini golf, busy restaurants, meeting new people, training with my personal trainer, riding and lots of time on the computer screen and late nights. 

This week my soul and body needs to feel safe again. It’s allowing yourself to stretch and then pull back to comfort. You cannot keep forcing the expansion or you will snap and that is not good.

So progress is happening I walk, ride, drive everyday by myself, I am back working in a role I adore and it fits around my needs and a positive support to the world and others. I love my job, my metamorphosis programme, the soul sanctuary with my dear friend susan, teaching and writing about meditation, studying and more. 

I truly do feel aligned and joyful in my pursuits and for that I am beyond grateful. See where the path takes me. I will hopefully read this in a years time and be like wow what a transformation. 

Love Susi xx